My name is Norma, and I am 29; I had my first baby a few short months ago. I have always had a very difficult relationship with my own mother, who frequently swings unexpectedly between being quite loving and overly harsh in her endless judgments. Ever since becoming a new mom, I have been keeping a substantial bit of distance from her company. Whenever my mom is around my supportive in-laws, I am constantly on an unbearable edge. I absolutely hate feeling perpetually judged while I am already trying so incredibly hard to completely adjust to the overwhelming demands of early motherhood and dealing with chronic sleep deprivation. I desperately needed to be in a calm place where I could actually feel supported.
A few quiet nights ago, my dear husband, Ethan, and his loving family invited us over to their house for a peaceful dinner. It was supposed to be something simple and completely stress-free, just Ethan, our precious baby, my kind MIL, Laura, and me. Laura has always been truly gentle with me, and she is honestly the only one who has continually made me feel deeply understood since I gave birth. I thought the entire evening would be calm and relaxing. Halfway through the peaceful dinner, the doorbell suddenly rang, and when I slowly opened the door, I almost dropped the plate I was holding in sheer shock. It was my mother, completely uninvited and acting cheerful, standing right there in the doorway.
My mother walked right in uninvited, acting completely cheerful and falsely relaxed. Before I could even catch my breath from the surprise visit, she looked directly into my eyes and said loudly and pointedly to the group, “She still doesn’t keep her house tidy. But I guess you all know that.” I immediately felt a wave of intense heat go right up my neck. I have barely slept since the baby was exhausting born, and I am constantly doing everything humanly possible to keep the entire house together. Hearing her deliberately say that shameful comment publicly in front of my husband’s supportive family felt exactly like someone had intentionally pulled the emotional rug out completely from under my very tired feet, leaving me exposed and humiliated.
What truly surprised me the absolute most during that horrific confrontation was the immediate and strong reaction of my wonderful mother-in-law, Laura. Laura immediately placed her comforting hand firmly on my shoulder and spoke up clearly. She said, very calmly and incredibly kindly to my mother, “At least she never expected to handle everything right away after giving birth. It’s completely normal for her to need constant help, and we all should be supporting her entirely.” I nearly teared up right there at the dinner table. It was honestly the very first time in a very long time that I had ever felt truly and completely defended instead of just unfairly judged by a family member during a vulnerable, stressful time in my life.
My mother did not say a word of apology for her hurtful, humiliating comment or make any effort whatsoever to back down from the public attack. Instead, she just dramatically rolled her critical eyes, muttered something completely annoying under her breath, and immediately stormed right out of the house. Then, maybe fifteen confusing minutes later, she called me directly, falsely claiming she felt “sick” and suddenly wanted me to come visit her immediately. It was a clear, manipulative attempt at gaslighting, acting exactly as if nothing truly humiliating had just happened in front of my husband’s family moments before. She wanted me to immediately forget the horrible comment and instantly feel guilty for her leaving and needing me.
I am now stuck in this immensely uncomfortable and completely confusing place emotionally. I feel deep shame about the entire public incident, and I am terrified that my mom is going to try to completely embarrass me again in front of my loving husband, Ethan, my baby, or any of my other relatives. While I still admit that I deeply love my mother, I simply do not know how to safely be around her right now without feeling completely vulnerable and unsafe. I must set a strong boundary and take the necessary space, wondering if this action makes me a bad daughter, or if it is instead the only viable thing left to completely keep my struggling sanity intact. Laura’s unwavering support, however, showed me what healthy boundaries and true compassion look like.
