The festive season is usually about family bonding and emotional warmth, but it can also expose the awkward choreography of life after divorce. When an ex has a history of cheating—and a surprisingly large, unknown set of children—the boundary between kindness and self-protection becomes very unclear.
When I asked for a divorce, I had just learned that my husband had been cheating for several years. He was being DNA tested for six potential children he may have fathered during our marriage. He ran through every excuse and tried to convince me to stay, but I wasn’t having it. I called time on our marriage as soon as I knew what he was up to. It turned out five of those six kids were his. He even attempted to involve me in discussions with their mothers, but I told him none of that had anything to do with me. I have never talked to those women or those kids.
But that’s not all. It turned out he already knew about two other biological kids born during our marriage. They ended up living with him a year after our divorce because their mother isn’t around. He sees our children only one weekend a month and isn’t very involved. The only thing he does is call to try and make plans for us to spend time together “as a family.” I always shut him down and remind him we are no longer a family. He never wants to see just the kids, though.
My kids love their grandparents, but now we’re having issues. They feel it would be better for the kids to have both sides come together for Christmas. They want me to host my ex-husband and whichever of his other children he has that day so we can “function as a family.” I told them that was not happening. I am not pretending he or those other kids are my family. They told me I shouldn’t hold so much spite and that, as a mother, I should want my kids to know their siblings. They even offered to buy the turkey as a sign of helping to make it work.
In truth, this whole idea is awful. I hate my ex, and spending the entire day with him in front of our kids would unfairly burden them with my feelings. They don’t need to see the issues between us. Having him and his kids over would also mean buying presents for them, which is not something I want to add to my plate. I have nothing to do with those kids. Not to mention, the ones he has full-time have no relationship with their mothers. I want to prevent any chance of him lying to them and saying I’m going to be their new mom. He already tries to force us into a “family” dynamic, so that is a major concern.
Does my refusal turn me into an awful person? I believe putting the kids first means protecting them from seeing the troubles between their dad and me.
A Note on Emotional Boundaries: The emotional health of a primary caregiver is essential for the well-being of the children. It is unreasonable to expect someone to embrace a former unfaithful partner and their external children if it causes profound distress. Subjecting children to an environment of extreme tension or deception can be more harmful than avoiding a “forced united family.” It is the father’s duty to establish connections between his children without pressuring his ex-wife to facilitate it.
