My husband of sixteen years asked me to become his mother’s caregiver—and I said no. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly, but our relationship has always been strained. She’s never accepted me, always passive-aggressive, and we’ve only ever managed civility. When he brought up how he supported me while I cared for my father during his cancer battle, I reminded him that he offered help—I never asked. Plus, I had family support. He’s an only child, and with his grueling 84-hour workweeks, the burden would fall entirely on me.
I explained that while I empathize with his situation, mine is different. I’m not working because I’m in school, pursuing an engineering degree after leaving teaching to care for my dad. I’m in my third year now, and I don’t want to pause my life again. He offered to pay for extra help, but that would drain our budget—we’re saving for a house. I’m already stretched thin emotionally and financially. Becoming his mother’s full-time caregiver would mean sacrificing everything I’ve rebuilt.
After I laid it all out, he left. No calls, no texts. I turned to my own mother for advice, but she dismissed my concerns, even questioning why I went back to school. Her indifference made me wonder—am I being selfish? Is it wrong to protect my goals, my future, after already giving up so much? I’m not refusing to help—I’m refusing to lose myself again. And that distinction matters.
I’ve read the comments online. Some say I’m heartless, others say I’m justified. But here’s the truth: caregiving is a labor of love, and love must be mutual. I cared for my father because we had that bond. With my mother-in-law, it’s different. I’m not her daughter, and she’s never treated me like family. My husband needs to understand that caregiving isn’t just duty—it’s sacrifice. And I’ve already sacrificed once.
