My girlfriend 33F and I 39M have been together for about eight months. From our first date, I felt she might be the one I want to marry. After our second date, she told me she has around $190k in student debt. Her education history is a bit complicated—she completed a bachelor’s degree, started med school but dropped out, then spent two years in pharmacy school before leaving, and finally went straight into a master’s program. She now works at a nonprofit earning $97k a year.
When she told me about her debt, she also mentioned a plan with her dad to invest in a lot where he would build a home and flip it to pay off her debt. I met her parents and saw that they live in a five-bedroom home in the LA area. Her dad talked about retiring early and running a home construction business. Later, I learned his plan was to take her entire savings of $60k and have her take out a $200k loan to buy the lot, then flip it in 2–3 years, confident he’d make a profit. I felt very uneasy because I was thinking about marriage and didn’t want her to take on more debt or risk her savings—it seemed like a big gamble.
Her dad also boasted about owning rental properties. In our culture, it’s common for parents to help with education costs, so I was surprised her dad never helped her financially. I suggested to my girlfriend that she ask her dad if he could sell one of his existing properties to pay off her loan. That suggestion triggered a huge backlash—both her parents yelled at me, called me names, and even labeled me a robber. I never spoke directly to them; everything was discussed through my girlfriend.
I love her, but this conflict has put our relationship in jeopardy. Her parents now dislike me and are pushing her to break up with me.
Part of my concern is that her loans were taken out 4–5 years ago, and she’s only made minimum payments of $1,200/month. She didn’t know her loan term or interest rate, so I had to check her accounts for her. She also didn’t realize that about 98% of her payments are going to interest, meaning the principal is barely decreasing, and the debt is actually growing.
For context, I’m 39, make roughly $220k per year, and have saved about $500k. I’ve worked hard since my father passed when I was in my 20s, drove an old car, and even helped my sister through grad school. My concern isn’t just her parents—it’s that my girlfriend has very little understanding of finances and prefers to avoid stress. She often accuses me of caring too much about money and tells me I should prioritize love over loans. She insists that her debt won’t be my responsibility after marriage—which is true legally—but realistically, I’d likely need to help tackle it since she has no plan.
I’m in a dilemma. I truly love her, and she’s the first woman I’ve seriously wanted to marry. Am I wrong to feel uneasy? I only suggested her parents help with at least part of the debt—it seems unfair to me that I worked hard to pay off my own student loans while potentially facing $190k in debt for someone who didn’t finish two of her degrees.
We’re very aligned on marriage, religion, kids, and values. What would you do if you were in my situation?
