For nearly 20 years, I have been the backbone of my marriage. I (39F) have juggled two jobs, managed bills, cared for our autistic son, and maintained our entire household. My husband Jay (41M) lives with a chronic illness, which I’ve always respected and supported patiently. However, the more time passes, the more I feel like I’m carrying the entire weight of our lives alone.
Jay doesn’t work or contribute much around the house. He mostly “exists,” relying on his illness as an excuse for doing very little. When I ask him for help—whether it’s with simple chores or parenting—he reacts with hurt, accusing me of lacking compassion or not understanding his struggles. His constant defensive attitude leaves me feeling isolated and exhausted.
Recently, my exhaustion reached a breaking point. I called his mother to ask if she could step in, even a little, but she refused flat out, declaring it was “my duty as a wife” to bear the burden. That hurt deeply. I’m not just a wife—I’m a person whose limits are real and who longs for partnership, not martyrdom.
I laid everything out for Jay. I told him if he won’t help me talk to his mom or step up, I’m taking our child and leaving. I need support; I can’t do this all alone anymore. He said nothing in response, just moped and guilt-tripped me, painting me as unfair and uncaring.
I’m torn between love and self-preservation. Marriage vows include support through sickness, but how long must one bear the entire responsibility while the other stays passive? I’m beyond burned out. I feel like I’m a single parent with an adult child, carrying a heavy load with no relief.
I’m not the villain for drawing a line. I’m fighting for my sanity and for a healthier balance. All I want is a marriage where burden and love are shared, not an endless caregiving job where I’m the sole anchor.
